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My book The Illusion of a Girl is fueled by my own soul crushing, tension-filled childhood. I had done lots of work to heal myself prior to writing the book, but writing it was cathartic as well. It doesn’t hurt to talk about my experiences. The sting and anger are gone. I understand my parents, their backgrounds and motivations. I searched for answers and I found them.
I see so many people like myself who have or had crappy childhoods, and my heart breaks for them. I feel their hurt and loss. When your parents don’t honor and love you, it leaves a hole you will need to work very hard to fill. Surviving is not about burying what happened or trying to forget about it. You need to examine it, understand it, forgive your parents, and let it go. Healing has taken my whole life so far and I think I’m just over the biggest hurdle.
By the time I was sixteen, I held the firm notion that I wanted to be nothing like my parents when I grew up. In my sixteen-year-old perfectly healthy mind and body, I saw my parents as weak. My mother allowed my father to abuse us. I thought she should have protected us. I begged her to kick our father out of the house. She never did because she held her needs above ours.
I thought my father with his drinking and ridiculous temper was the scum of the earth. (He passed over 25 years ago.) I wrote my story so people could relate to my experiences and learn how I survived it. I try to live my life consciously and truly think about what I want out of life. I had so much I wanted to prove to my parents and to myself about how I would live a healthier life.
I have achieved a healthier life and have broken the cycle of dysfunctional family for my children. If I do nothing else in this life, that is enough. My dysfunctional family went back so many generations. All families have some level of dysfunction, but there are core truths for a functional family. A functioning family share these characteristics: adequate financial support; love and caring for other family members; security and a sense of belonging; open communication; making each person within the family feel important, valued, and respected.
I haven’t done everything perfectly. I learn the hard way, so I’ve made so many mistakes. I looked for men to love me since I didn’t find it at home. I picked some men who were not good to me. I had to learn to love myself, which is something I still work on. In my book I share my thoughts, feelings, and conscious decision to not be like my parents with the hope that those subtle messages help someone who is going through or has gone through something similar.
No matter where you begin in life, the life you lead is entirely up to you.
How sad it is to see how your difficult childhood resonates with so many others. I too had an upbringing I would rather forget however, after many years of anger and resentment, I chose to forgive so I could start to heal the little girl inside of me. I also made a conscious decision to “see” my children and be there to, love, hug, listen and do all I could to help strengthen their self confidence. They’re now adults and my conscious efforts to ensure they grew up knowing how much I love them has affected them differently. My Son, the eldest, is very loving and affectionate with me but lacks self confidence, whereas my Daughter is extremely self confident but displays a certain disdain toward me, despite acknowledging her happy childhood. I’m now 54 years old, completely intimidated by my 25 year old Daughter and feel like I’m still that lonely insecure child I was, desperately wanting my mother to show me the love I so needed except I want it from my Daughter.
Hi Yvette,
I’m sorry your having that experience with your daughter. Is counseling an option for you to work through it? If not, Alanon meetings are a great way to get support for free and work through your feelings. Please give the love you deserve to yourself.
I’ve known/met/seen people from bad homes that had the fortitude to change their lives like you have. I’ve also known/met/seen people from bad homes who perpetuated the cycle. Any ideas on why some children seem to have the strength to “change their stars” and others don’t seem to? Is there something people can do to help them find a better way? It’s a question I’ve wondered about for a long time.
Hi, I’m not exactly sure why some don’t pursue healing. It seems like its too painful for them, but sometimes nudges or guidance in the right direction helps. Possibly mention ways to heal and let them know where or who they could chat with for more help or information.
Where can I get this book. Doesn’t seem to be onAmazonkindle.
I just added it to Amazon Kindle : )
Hi Debbie.
I’ve put the link in the body of the post.
Tony
This sounds like the kind of book I love to read
If only we could live our lives backwards.
Kudos to you….
Some of us are still searching.
LeeAnn, I totally understand your history. I also made decisions to raise my children, grandchildren & now greats to live a healthy life then mine. Four (plus myself) of my six siblings have achieved this. Our stories are sadly not unique, but they can be overcome. God Bless